Me and my people this week
Last week I mentioned that there was a delay sending our youngest three children back to school. That delay was actually our decision to ask for their pre-cautionary absence due to the Corona Virus.
Part of the reason was our desire to keep these three children from catching the virus as the number of people infected grew rapidly in our city. An additional reason was our belief that there could be people in our school community carrying the virus unknowingly. If one of our school aged children’s friends tested positive, then we would have had to suspend our eldest eldest daughter (who is in risk category) from coming home for her university break until we were sure we couldn’t infect her. If she was not able to come home as planned due to our isolation, that gave more time for the situation where she actually lived to worsen meaning she may have been separated from us for even longer. Still, it was a difficult situation. Our choice was controversial to friends and family; even our eldest school age son disagreed strongly with us.
I find it difficult to oppose the mainstream. Some people seem to like it, but I don’t.
Fear
During the final days before our children’s school officially transitioned to online/distance learning and we managed to get our two university aged children safely home, I found myself consumed with the news reports and data regarding infection rates. I read more about epidemiology than I’ve ever read before.
I would tell the children that we didn’t need to fear and that God would give us all the peace we needed, but my own behaviour (even if they did not notice) belied that.
I spent Monday radically moving furniture and intensively cleaning without noticing this was a manifestation of my fear and sudden powerlessness. When I eventually drove my daughter (the last one to arrive) home from the airport I could have cried with relief, except I felt spent with emotion.
That night I suddenly realised where my worry had driven me and I didn’t like it.
Pre-existing fears
I’ve read a lot about looking after our emotional health during this pandemic but I hadn’t applied them to myself. After all, I wasn’t stockpiling groceries over fears of shortage nor was I paranoid I would be infected wherever I went. I was wise and sanitary and measured and organised. When I thought about it more precisely, however, while I may not be afraid of the virus itself I have experienced many of the things I fear:
- Fear of looking stupid
- Fear of what other people think of me
- Fear of my life running out of control
- Fear of wasting my time
Unchecked emotions and behaviours
I don’t like my emotions and reactions when I’m operating from a place of fear.
I hide in research and scenario planning.
I snap at my children when they interrupt me scenario planning.
I get annoyed that I can’t find enough information to know which scenario is the most likely one or best one.
Then I find that a whole bunch of time has passed but I’m no more peaceful and I still need to cook dinner.
As I try to process my disappointment with myself today it occurred to me that three out of four of these fears were also applicable to me as a writer. These were fears I had anyway. Same fears, different scenario.
Strangely, realising this this helped me. Suddenly I considered that my emotions could be predicted and if they could be predicted then I could direct them.
The good news is I think I’ve safely met my goal of journaling transparently my feelings this week!
This week's actions, round up
I haven’t done much checking on the character development within my WIP, nor my research for the Waiting piece, and I only watched one short section of my course. I have journaled most nights before bed. I had read more. Overall, not much goal progress… but I do have all my babies home… so I’m calling it a win.
Oh, I did wash all the ski clothes! That’s actually a MAJOR achievement and helped enormously by the milestone of the big kids coming back home and the increase in general laundry!
Writing actions for this week
This coming week I will:
- Complete my character cards for ‘It is what it looks like’
- Outline more completely the writing piece on Waiting
- Catch up on my course on Udemy!
Cheer me on!
Love, Tifainé