I have 2020 goals too!
I may be late out of the gate, but I finally managed to articulate my goals for 2020! I rejected setting new year’s resolutions and, even though I’ve done it for the past five years or so, I rejected having a ‘word for the year’ (except one surprisingly threw itself at me anyway). But after having a somewhat difficult January with my emotions and my health, I decided I would write down some personal dreams and hopes. Part of it originated from my natural desire to make a good decision about where I would spend my time and money, but honestly, also the acknowledgement that I’m sliding towards 50—do I really want to have the same conversations with myself next year and the following as I have for the last decade? I had a major falling out with life-planning and goal setting a few years ago after a long love affair stretching back to my pre-teen years, but have largely worked through my issues and I’m keen to try again.
This post will explain what I’m hoping to do in 2020, how I made my goals list and one of my biggest obstacles to progress. I’ll also share what I’ve struggled with (in addition to the whole setting goals thing).
Coach yourself, Tifaine!
I decided to treat myself as I would a friend or a team member who came to me for help.
I did some coaching exercises and allowed myself to write unedited without care what ‘someone else’ may think. I brainstormed my fears and barriers, and I encouraged myself to think why I wanted (or didn’t want) certain things. I found my dreams neatly fell into four areas: Spiritual, Writing, Home and Wellness. When I finalised my strategies and subsequent actions, I was delighted that many contributed to more than one high-level area.
One of the issues I identified early on was my (false) belief that the more productive I was, the more I achieved that was good quality, the more loveable or acceptable I was. The reason this was so acutely problematic last month is because January/February time is always hard for me. I nearly always feel very down, I’m very often unproductive, and nearly always try to leave the house as little as possible. For as long as I can remember I’ve struggled like this at the start of every year. It took me a while to notice it as a pattern and when I did I found ways to explain it away. It was my husband, when I was in my thirties, who first suggested maybe I had some form of seasonal affect disorder. But then spring came, and summer and it was forgotten until the following January. Add on a few more years and, in addition to any seasonally-induced doldrums, the first six weeks of our year include our wedding anniversary and two birthdays and some painful memories, together with cold weather and the inevitable downer that follows a busy holiday and the big kids going back to university. It’s a roller-coaster couple of months. I don’t think that setting my goals earlier would have shortened any Seasonal Affect Disorder: I don’t know if I can control it like that. But I do know that I need to not beat myself up and tell myself I’m unlovable if I’m depressed or not high-achieving. In writing down my dreams and translating them into actionable goals I needed to make sure that I did not fuel the lie that if I achieve x, y and z, then I will be more acceptable. My faith tells me this is not so: I am loved today just as I am regardless of my performance (or seasonally affected lack of performance).
One of my biggest obstacles
An obstacle I often construct to sabotage the fulfilment of my goals is wanting too much too fast. I love having giant ideas that would best suit a whole team of people. This year, I decided to take the advice I give others and set more manageable action steps that will hopefully contribute to real, identifiable progress by the end of the year. I hated this part. And I’m not truthfully sure whether my action steps are the right size or not—time will tell. What this means for this website is that I aim to post a weekly journal-style post. This is this week’s. I’ll be sharing what I did this week, what I’m planning for next week and my challenges. I think I can manage a shorter post once a week. Part of the intention behind this post is to intentionally check in and reveal how I’m doing. You, reader who I cannot see, are my invisible accountability partner.
My actionable goals this week
These are my actionables for this week:
- Write my first journal entry & finish the generic artwork for the posts
- Create a personal, manageable weekly schedule to ensure I work towards my goals each week
- Watch first course video from Udemy
- First draft of writing goals (feel this may be a stretch, but will see if #2 is done well)
- Read before bed each night
What I struggled with this week
I spent so many years micro-managing my life and planning meticulously but stopped because I had come to feel that this part of my personality was wrong somehow. I had come to think that ‘good’ Christian women live by faith and not by notebook. Since debunking this (and forgiving those who helped magnify my shame) I then felt embarrassed that I need a plan and goals so much: perhaps those good Christian women don’t have plans because they are all amazing and I’m somehow faulty. Identifying the two lies I tell myself (I am only loveable if I’m perfect and productive and I am defective (or faithless) if I desire goals and plans and schedules) was painful but helpful. Identifying when I am telling myself one of those lies has led this week to me being kinder to myself and ultimately enabled me to keep focussed on what matters to me.
I pray for some families and people in my world to come to know Jesus as their friend and rescuer, but this week I found whenever I pray for them I cry: such is my heart’s desire for them. Sometimes it means I struggle to want to pray as I don’t want to cry, but fortunately I have an app on my phone that pops up with those on my prayer list and my reluctance to click ‘Dismiss’ is greater than my reluctance to pray.
Thanks for reading this far! I hope next time will be shorter!
Love, Tifainé