I was talking to a friend this week and we were laughing at ourselves. The conversation began in the context of our daughters desiring to fit in with the girls at school and being sad when they feel like they don’t. I then remarked, ‘Actually, I still feel like that… When I hear that a group of women I know all went out to lunch together I wonder why I didn’t get invited. I tell myself they don’t like me and I wonder what might be wrong with me that they didn’t ask me…’ My friend nodded in agreed, and then we both said, ‘Even those invitations we would say no to!’ We both admitted we often just want to feel like we’re wanted.
We laughed at ourselves, but I’ve thought about it more and more since our coffee date ended. Why is being invited so important? And why don’t I invite people more? I mostly don’t invite people because I fear they will say no and I will be embarrassed to have asked; or much worse, they will say yes but go on to tell others how boring/lame/too much/not enough I am. I don’t feel worthy enough to be the one inviting. Sadly, this regularly flows over into calling or messaging my own children when they are away.
My (misguided) prerequisites to worthiness
In my book club this week we have been reading the chapter of Brené Brown’s book ‘The gifts of imperfection’ that deals with fitting in, belonging, love and being enough. Right at the beginning she observes we often have a list of pre-requisites for worthiness. Despite hoping this section wouldn’t resonate with me, I realised quickly that I have quite the list.
With regards to speaking about faith and the love of Jesus, I think I might be worthy if I was academically qualified or appointed by another leader or even experienced some ecclesiastical success or miracle. With regards to posting on this blog or on social media, I think I will be worthy when I have a fitting number of readers. And more personally, with regards to love or friendship, I will be worthy when I can be a better parent or a more interesting person, am funnier, unremittingly kind, also when my house is properly clean, when my garage/cellar/loft is tidy, when I’m better dressed, when I’m more (or less) quirky… the list goes on… I can always think of reasons I am unqualified and unworthy.
I’m sad to admit this has been a conversation in my head for as long as I can remember, certainly from childhood. I’ve strived and worked to feel worthy but even my best attempts gave only short relief.
Despite having heard countless sermons about God’s love, and despite being able to tell you unreservedly just how much God loves you as you are, and considers you precious, even worth dying for, I struggle to accept that for myself a lot of the time.
But wait, God, let me fix it…
When I was in my late twenties, after living life for some years living exactly as I pleased, I greatly desired a relationship with the God I’d heard about from childhood, the God I’d been loyal to as a teenager. I knew him from big words like omnipotent and holy, but at that time the knowledge served only to convince me I needed to clean up my act first. I was a better person. I could come to God when I wasn’t doing any bad things like drinking wine or wanting a cigarette. Once swear words no longer buzzed through my head when I was frustrated or trying to be amusing. I made grand promises to God about how I’d stop doing this or that and begin doing this other list of things, and then, and then, I might go to church and get back to where I’d left off.
I had convinced myself that I would be worthy of God once I was good. It was the spiritual equivalent of this list in Brené Brown’s book. I knew full well I fell short of God’s standards for me, I knew I wasn’t worthy in the sinless sense that He required, so I made a religious list of what I needed to be worthy before him.
I was part right, but I had forgotten God had a plan
I remembered very clearly the sin part and how bad I was part, but I had forgotten God already had a plan. I didn’t need to be good. I didn’t need to make myself worthy. He always knew that I (along with everyone else) could never be ‘good enough’ so, from the very beginning, he determined to send his son to do the work required to make me (all of us) meet the standard. His son took the punishment that my (all of our) sin required. God has high standards, too high for me to reach, true; but yet he deemed me worthy enough even as I am to pay the high price required himself.
That high price that he decided I was worth was the life of his son. And I was worth that before I even knew I was too bad to be able to earn it. My worth was never determined by what I did. I wasn’t worth less when I swore or more when I didn’t. And all the rest of the sin list.
I spent years trying to live up to a standard I’d convinced myself God needed me to reach when all he actually wanted was me to be humble enough to ask him for help. ‘Help me, save me, I know you can!’ was actually all I ever had to say. None of my unachievable promises and none of my fruitless striving.
Eventually realising that was such a relief.
God always deemed me worthy of saving and worthy of love.
Since that spring in 2001 I’ve had many times when I’ve fallen short of the standards I set myself, and many times I’ve forgotten that God doesn’t need me to strive for perfection.
Sometimes I still forget. Especially when I’ve had one of those days where everything I do seems to go wrong, or when the people around me hurt me. It’s at those times I fall back on sentences in the Bible that tell me what my worth really is.
And I read them, out loud if necessary, until the peace comes.
And it always comes.
Christ made us right with God; he made us pure and holy, and he freed us from sin. 1 Corinthians 1:30b NLT
For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him. John 3:16-17 NLT
You were rescued by the precious blood of Christ, that spotless and innocent lamb. 1 Peter 1:18 CEV
For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. Yet God, in his grace, freely makes us right in his sight. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins. For God presented Jesus as the sacrifice for sin. People are made right with God when they believe that Jesus sacrificed his life, shedding his blood. Romans 3:23-25 NLT
And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, nor rulers. neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39 NLT