“Brave people know that because they are loved by their heavenly Father, they can fail and fail and fail again, and nothing between them and their Father will change. Literally. Nothing. Brave people have courage because they know God loves them no matter what.” 100 Days To Brave, Annie F. Downs

Do you view failure this way? I generally don’t. I have a monumental fear of failure, most probably at least partly due to my family who brings up every single thing you ever did wrong every time they see you. If you visited my family with me you’d hear it all–going back to when I was first walking about. Many of the stories might bring a laugh to the audience, but they also make attempting anything risky or new about as appealing as throwing sand in your own eyes.

This past year I have been unpacking what it might look like if I really choose to accept God loves me no matter what. Considering the thought that my mistakes don’t make God like me less. I was seven when I first prayed for Jesus to be my Lord and believed he died to save me from my sins. I hadn’t yet got lost in the dark and the rain on the motorway the day after I passed my driving test. I hadn’t cheated on a spelling test. I hadn’t scraped my car when parking. I hadn’t had a big fight with someone I loved. I hadn’t hardly even had time to make a tonne of mistakes. But for nearly forty years since I’ve made mistakes and experienced failures. Failed friendships. A folded business. Poor choices. Broken promises. Every one of my failures I remember and I carry the shame or embarrassment of them.

Early this year I chose to re-establish a habit I had let slide: I restarted reading scripture related to my identity in Christ while I got dressed. Around the same time, I was also regularly praying to feel God’s love for me deeply and personally. During one particularly emotional prayer time, I felt a kind of whisper in the depth of my heart-mind telling me that I was loved, that I’d always been loved and reminding me how God had been beside me during every single one of my shameful memories. It was as if I were reading a list of every mistake, failure and rebellion, while God said, “Yup. I was right there. Yup, and there. Yup, even that one. I know about it, and I’m not changing my mind. I loved you then and I love you now.” I literally opened my eyes wide as if to see what had happened. I remember so clearly a feeling of relief and surprise. When I take the time to think about that moment, my eyes fill with tears and I’m just so astonished. For some reason, I’d held on to the idea that God put up with me or tolerated me but was a bit repulsed by my track record. I both tried hard to please him to make up for all the failures while at the same time hid a lot to avoid even the chance of failing again. Unbelievably, I hadn’t even realised that’s what I was doing. It was like I had a revelation: I saw myself with all the self imposed restrictions and at the same time realised I was completely loved. The love wasn’t partial or conditional. Thoughts of negativity still pool in my mind sometimes, but I can also choose to go back to that moment in my living room and relive the experience of knowing that God in his supreme kindness breathed into my spirit.

I’m trying to be brave. I hope to finish this devotional book braver than I started. But the foundation of the bravery is built on the truth that my perfect Saviour loves me, and he loves me even when I fail. If I keep trying and I keep failing, there’s still no end to the love. That knowledge makes me cry sometimes but it also makes me brave.

“But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him, and his righteousness to children’s children,” Psalms‬ ‭103:17‬ ‭NRSV‬‬